Adult Steps

While baby steps happen every day, every now and again something big happens and it can scare me just as much as the baby steps.

Recently, my biggest step was buying my first house. It was strange to me, because, this was a dream I had had since I was in high school. I attribute my eagerness and preoccupation with home owning to my part-time job at Home Depot during high school, but really I also think I am, what my mother calls, a 'nester' at heart. So while others at 18 looked forward to 21 as a legal drinking age, I looked forward to turning 21 as a time that I would be out of college and holding down a 'real job,' able to buy a home.

Of course things didn't work out as smoothly as expected- this 'real job' isn't so lucrative and undergraduate degrees require more these days, not to mention the house-buying-process nightmare that HGTV and TLC seem to mask so seamlessly. Regardless, I was able to be frugal enough all throughout my years to stash away money knowing this dream was in the back of my mind and when the economy took a downturn and the 1st-time home buyers tax credit came out, it seemed like my prayers had been answered.

After more than a year of looking, offering, bartering and walking in and out of housing deals we finally found the home perfect for our current situation. I should have been ecstatic right? Not so much. All of a sudden a huge panic began to set in. What happens if we lose our jobs? What if after we close we find out something terribly wrong? I'm so far from my family(30minutes HA!)-will this have a negative impact on our relationships? Am I ready for this responsibility? As luck would have it, I actually ended up having a huge meltdown the day after we moved in and sat on the couch screaming 'take it back, I don't want this, I want to go home!' God bless my boyfriend for being so patient.

In the end I realized that it wasn't that I didn't like the house, didn't want the house or didn't have the ability to accept the responsibility-the simple fact that this brought me so much closer to being an adult freaked me out completely. It was like all of a sudden I was in those adult shoes but my mind was not ready to accept that I was an adult and so I had an "I-want-my-mommy" moment (who would have thought I would still have those at 23?) . Big steps can hit those of us living dans le flou like a ton of bricks, sometimes even when we really want something. It could be a job that requires moving, your first large adult purchase, a new step in a relationship...anything that forces us faster into the adult world and leaves us wondering how we got from there (childhood) to here (adulthood). I have found the best thing I can do it try to be more 'present.' Cheesy? Totally. But remembering to hold on to each day, live in the moment and consciously see what I can learn from each day can lessen the shock. At least I hope it does...I hope the next 'Big Step'

Baby Steps

Baby Steps. At this age it seems we take baby steps every day toward becoming who we are and who we want to be. We act responsibly, getting up for work every day, taking care of ourselves, maybe stashing some money away or networking with someone. They seem insignificant but they are small acts that are pulling us away from our former no-cares-college-student that we used to be. Suddenly, we look look back and and then take a look around and we have become a new person- an adult. Or at least the shadow or outline of an adult. Our emotions, maturity, thought process, not to mention our weekend activities...not always so adult. But on the outside we mirror someone new. Dressed in suits, grocery shopping, on the same roads in the same traffic as our parents for our morning commutes. It can be somewhat frightening when you begin to see yourself in such a light.

It can be even more frightening when you see yourself and realize you are living a life you don't want to live. This conflict happens to a lot of people at this age that I know. After a year or two of working in the 'real world' they get bored, get sick of the entry level pay and begin to miss the carelessness and coolness of college. Often a lot of us are working hard but in positions we really don't like or want to be in. As we try to climb the ladder a lot of us get frustrated, bored, or frightened of what we are turning into. Somehow, however, we have to find a place for those emotions and keep on, keepin' on. Or quit everything and decide to backpack through Europe. Either way, the journey to finding ourselves in this new adult world is long and tough and doesn't happen as overnight as we wish, hope, or are told it does by the media and our elders.

Truth

Truth. The truth is, that I should have started this blog a year ago. A year ago, my life was far more 'dans le flou' than it is now. A year ago, I was 6 months out of undergraduate graduation, just acclimating to life in the workforce/graduate school and in a new apartment-our first 'real' home. I had no idea if I had chosen the right graduate school path. I had no idea if I should be looking for a better job, one that was more mentally stimulating and more related to my graduate school major (somehow experience in a business office didn't seem to connect with my psychology B.S. and School Counseling masters). Everything was constantly changing and thoughts were spinning.

Since then, I have settled. A little. With time, a lot of internal energy (and some outside consultation sometimes known as a therapist) I have come to a place where I can look at my life where it is and be satisfied with today. For once, and not always, but mostly I am enjoying the fact that at 23, I have my entire life before me, spread out like a buffet with lot's of options, choices and varieties of life to chose from. I try my hardest to see this as a blessing rather than be consumed by the ambiguity of my life and future. I try to realize that someday, I will be one of the people around me who are constantly gasping at my age with jealousy and conveying their utter most desires to go back to their younger years. Sometimes, this doesn't work. I get wrapped up in how much easier my life will be when I have an established career and have a savings account that reflects more than a mere year's worth of full time work, not to mention not having a full load of graduate school on my plate in addition to working full time. However, I suppose this constant yearn for more is natural and the swing between loving life and wishing for more, really is, what dans le flou is all about.