Burned & Bored

This week I am simply burned out.

I am reaching a point where I feel like I am swimming through a spectrum of feelings ranging through overwhelmed, tired, blah, don't care, and bite me. I'm bored but yet with so much to do in both my academic, personal and work life. I feel like I am ready for a change but lacking in motivation.

I suppose everyone gets this way once in a while. I could blame it on the winter blues. It's the beginning of March and we just got dumped on again last Friday with a foot of snow. My patience with the cold is wearing thin.

However, I'm not sure if it is simply the weather. Maybe I do need a change. The days now seem monotonous- something I craved last semester when working 7am-10pm between internship and my job-but now I can't find the satisfaction. What is wrong with me? Part of me wonders if my go, go, go lifestyle has me so jacked up that I can't find it in me to stop and enjoy the moment. Why can't I just enjoy some slow simplicity every once in a while? Why am I never completely satisfied, always striving for more?

Maybe this is part of the 'dans le flou' cycle...I mean we spend so much of our lives up til this point constantly working for our futures, working toward goals, setting ourselves up for success. What happens when you get there? Or what happens when you are done setting up but the success is not immediate?

Logically, I know that at age 24 I have a masters degree, a house, an upcoming wedding and a full time job (not one I particularly like, care about, or which relates to my field of study, but a job nonetheless). Maybe I should take a breath for once in my life. Maybe I don't need to find a job in my field today, next week or even in the next six months. It will not kill me to stop moving and enjoy my life for a while. But then why does my life feel so stagnant and unsatisfactory now? It's not even like I have assumed the role of a slacker-I still am working around my house, planning the wedding and taking post-graduate classes while working full time. Yet it doesn't seem enough and I almost feel more burned out than if I was as busy as my last semester. Huh?

I really think they should hold classes on this. Methods for slowing down, enjoying life and transitioning into adulthood. I have a wonderful sense of ambition and drive, but while I love this about myself, I know there is much more to life. I only hope that soon I can find the satisfaction in the ordinary, recognize the small, less noticeable gifts in my life and find my balance between initiative and idleness.

Life is a Roller Coaster

So here it is: February 16th, 2011. A few weeks shy a year to date of my last blog post. I guess the whole blogging thing really got away from me. Most likely because around March 2nd (my last post), my entire life got away from me and I am just beginning to feel like I am regaining control.

I actually laughed when I saw the date March 2nd because I think that is exactly when things really took off. As of that date we had been official 'home owners' for exactly one month-which was a whole bunch of craziness in and of itself. So what did we do to celebrate our 1 month dive into lifetime debt & stress? Adopted another dog. Totally normal right?! I found the most adorable mid-sized mutt on craigslist "accidentally" and the boyfriend, B, and I took a random trip through a snow storm at 9:00 at night to a town 45minutes away to meet and fall in love with doggie addition #2, Noodle.

While I was still walking around dumbfounded that I actually had a dog named "Noodle," I found out a close friend and work colleague had passed away. She had been my boss all through my undergraduate career while I worked as a work study. She was a mentor and friend. Her incredible optimism and never fading smile was something I greatly needed during those years and got me through some incredibly tough times. She almost symbolized my college years and the loss of her presence caused me to look back and see how far I had come in the nearly 2 years since graduating college.

As I reexamined my life and the path I had taken- I realized that while I was in dans le flou, I had actually accomplished a lot, including growing as a person. Those seemingly mindless, empty days were really not so barren- I had figured out more and more every day the person I was, the kind of life I wanted and how I was going to get it. Of course here I need to pause and remind myself that life will, inevitably, not go according to plan, but it hit me that in those long monotonous months I had built a life that I loved living. I had a great romantic relationship with B, a wonderful group of friends I had not known 2 years ago, A HOUSE(!), a new dog(and my original doggie too!)...despite the loss things started to feel like they were falling into place and I was feeling more comfortable with the role of "adult" and really transforming that role into my genuine self.

Little did I know this was only the beginning of the roller coaster year I affectionately call "The Anarchy" because of it's incredible chaos, confusion and disorder(and let it be known I am not good with any of those things). April brought more loss, this time with my grandmother, as well as my, brother. However, May ushered in my engagement to B(eeee!) while on a vacation of a lifetime. By the time summer was over it had brought a ton of good times with friends along with the start of an ongoing feud reminiscent of the Montague's versus the Capulet's. Fall came with an crazy schedule while I worked a full-time internship while also working part time at night to complete my masters degree. Christmas time toted in yet, another loss- this time of a close family friend- and the ultimate punctuation of the "Montague/Capulet" feud.

So here I am now. Planning a wedding, taking care of our house and doggies, loving life (for the most part). Phase dans le flou complete. Check. Done.

....Not so much. The thing I have realized is that maybe one thing in life is all figured out, or going in a positive direction but there are so many different facets to life-especially at 20 something- that I have A LOT more time to go here in 'dans le flou.' Most importantly though-maybe that's not such a bad thing....

Today.

Today I have I have no motivation. I feel like being lazy and laying around with the TV on or maybe a good book. My little doggie would undoubtedly curl up next to me and I would nap the day away. It's times like this, I feel the reality of being an adult. It is a Tuesday at 10:26am. I am at work. For six and a half more hours. And when I get home there will dinner to be made, a dog to be fed, laundry to be done. And then repeat. Until Friday. Blah, blah, blah.

The reality of life sets in on days like this where the days of freedom and carelessness are gone, replaced with responsibility. At times this can be nice-I'll take being paid for my 2 weeks off at the Holidays thank you very much, whereas as a college student I scrounged for temporary part time work until school resumed. However, life is so structured as an adult, and while structure can be comforting (especially for a Type A personality like myself) there are days I long for the freedom and spontaneity that I had on a college schedule. Sometimes, like today, things seem so controlled and monotonous with no end in sight. I suppose this is related to what they call 'burn out' or the reason that the character in the movie Office Space went bat-shit crazy on the printer. Totally get that now.

No wonder half the population in America is on mood stabilizers- we can get so bogged down with the redundancy of the work week and the oppression of the workplace hierarchy, drama and expectations. Luckily we accrue vacation and sick time, but Americans are notorious for not taking their alloted time and I see that first hand from my own experience. Yuck.

I know I shouldn't be complaining. The job market sucks, for lack of a better word and I am extremely fortunate to be in a position where I can work full time and support myself. All of us who are employed are inherently lucky for being able to sustain our lifestyles, regardless of how moderate and be able to actively take part in society. I have several friends who have been laid off or recently graduated and are struggling to find jobs and the mental impact unemployment can be worse that the negative bank balance.

However, I think we are all allowed some grumbling from time-to-time. In all of us, though not always recognized, there is a small childish part of our hearts that wants to give up the9-5 routine and runaway to Costa Rica, spending our days rocking in a hammock or simply not having the burden of calling work and telling them 'mmm it's raining today and I much rather stay in my PJ's and eat ice cream today, Kthanksbye.' In the end, like EVERYTHING these days, it's a balancing act of acceptance of life as it is with making time for the mind and soul. One of these days I'll get it right...

Adult Steps

While baby steps happen every day, every now and again something big happens and it can scare me just as much as the baby steps.

Recently, my biggest step was buying my first house. It was strange to me, because, this was a dream I had had since I was in high school. I attribute my eagerness and preoccupation with home owning to my part-time job at Home Depot during high school, but really I also think I am, what my mother calls, a 'nester' at heart. So while others at 18 looked forward to 21 as a legal drinking age, I looked forward to turning 21 as a time that I would be out of college and holding down a 'real job,' able to buy a home.

Of course things didn't work out as smoothly as expected- this 'real job' isn't so lucrative and undergraduate degrees require more these days, not to mention the house-buying-process nightmare that HGTV and TLC seem to mask so seamlessly. Regardless, I was able to be frugal enough all throughout my years to stash away money knowing this dream was in the back of my mind and when the economy took a downturn and the 1st-time home buyers tax credit came out, it seemed like my prayers had been answered.

After more than a year of looking, offering, bartering and walking in and out of housing deals we finally found the home perfect for our current situation. I should have been ecstatic right? Not so much. All of a sudden a huge panic began to set in. What happens if we lose our jobs? What if after we close we find out something terribly wrong? I'm so far from my family(30minutes HA!)-will this have a negative impact on our relationships? Am I ready for this responsibility? As luck would have it, I actually ended up having a huge meltdown the day after we moved in and sat on the couch screaming 'take it back, I don't want this, I want to go home!' God bless my boyfriend for being so patient.

In the end I realized that it wasn't that I didn't like the house, didn't want the house or didn't have the ability to accept the responsibility-the simple fact that this brought me so much closer to being an adult freaked me out completely. It was like all of a sudden I was in those adult shoes but my mind was not ready to accept that I was an adult and so I had an "I-want-my-mommy" moment (who would have thought I would still have those at 23?) . Big steps can hit those of us living dans le flou like a ton of bricks, sometimes even when we really want something. It could be a job that requires moving, your first large adult purchase, a new step in a relationship...anything that forces us faster into the adult world and leaves us wondering how we got from there (childhood) to here (adulthood). I have found the best thing I can do it try to be more 'present.' Cheesy? Totally. But remembering to hold on to each day, live in the moment and consciously see what I can learn from each day can lessen the shock. At least I hope it does...I hope the next 'Big Step'

Baby Steps

Baby Steps. At this age it seems we take baby steps every day toward becoming who we are and who we want to be. We act responsibly, getting up for work every day, taking care of ourselves, maybe stashing some money away or networking with someone. They seem insignificant but they are small acts that are pulling us away from our former no-cares-college-student that we used to be. Suddenly, we look look back and and then take a look around and we have become a new person- an adult. Or at least the shadow or outline of an adult. Our emotions, maturity, thought process, not to mention our weekend activities...not always so adult. But on the outside we mirror someone new. Dressed in suits, grocery shopping, on the same roads in the same traffic as our parents for our morning commutes. It can be somewhat frightening when you begin to see yourself in such a light.

It can be even more frightening when you see yourself and realize you are living a life you don't want to live. This conflict happens to a lot of people at this age that I know. After a year or two of working in the 'real world' they get bored, get sick of the entry level pay and begin to miss the carelessness and coolness of college. Often a lot of us are working hard but in positions we really don't like or want to be in. As we try to climb the ladder a lot of us get frustrated, bored, or frightened of what we are turning into. Somehow, however, we have to find a place for those emotions and keep on, keepin' on. Or quit everything and decide to backpack through Europe. Either way, the journey to finding ourselves in this new adult world is long and tough and doesn't happen as overnight as we wish, hope, or are told it does by the media and our elders.

Truth

Truth. The truth is, that I should have started this blog a year ago. A year ago, my life was far more 'dans le flou' than it is now. A year ago, I was 6 months out of undergraduate graduation, just acclimating to life in the workforce/graduate school and in a new apartment-our first 'real' home. I had no idea if I had chosen the right graduate school path. I had no idea if I should be looking for a better job, one that was more mentally stimulating and more related to my graduate school major (somehow experience in a business office didn't seem to connect with my psychology B.S. and School Counseling masters). Everything was constantly changing and thoughts were spinning.

Since then, I have settled. A little. With time, a lot of internal energy (and some outside consultation sometimes known as a therapist) I have come to a place where I can look at my life where it is and be satisfied with today. For once, and not always, but mostly I am enjoying the fact that at 23, I have my entire life before me, spread out like a buffet with lot's of options, choices and varieties of life to chose from. I try my hardest to see this as a blessing rather than be consumed by the ambiguity of my life and future. I try to realize that someday, I will be one of the people around me who are constantly gasping at my age with jealousy and conveying their utter most desires to go back to their younger years. Sometimes, this doesn't work. I get wrapped up in how much easier my life will be when I have an established career and have a savings account that reflects more than a mere year's worth of full time work, not to mention not having a full load of graduate school on my plate in addition to working full time. However, I suppose this constant yearn for more is natural and the swing between loving life and wishing for more, really is, what dans le flou is all about.

Transient

Transient. Everything today is transient. The only things constant is change. At 23, people are transient, jobs are transient, moods, friendships, relationships, even clothes and lifestyles.
Unfortunetely, the transience moves at such a different pace for each one of us that it is hard for relationships to be sustaining and emotions to stay stable.

As some of us are finishing our degrees(undergrad and grad), I find many of my friends talking about moving across the country. This idea of moving strains relationships and brings up a lot of hard questions. If I move-what will happen to my relationships? Will I still be friends with my friends if I move? What happens if my partner moves...do I move with them? Do I give up everything I have in my life to move with them? Or do we go our separate ways?

Even without physically moving, once college ends and post-graduate life begins, relationships change. Relationships with friends wax or wane, relationships with parents change as we are closer or their adult world, romantic relationships fizzle or flourish. As these relationships change, I have had a difficult time adjusting and figuring out a new balancing act.

Luckily, I have a great romantic relationship that has only flourished since college ended, but I see many others around me who are not so lucky. Personal opinions and deep felt emotions about the degree of commitment desired are so different that it can create a strong divide among people that would be otherwise compatible.

As college ends and this dans le flou stage begins, life expectations and lifestyles are also a broad spectrum that can range from those who live a party-hardy lifesyle to those who are looking to settle down. For me, it has been a difficult to find where I fit. I attributed this to being a Gemini- a person with twins of opposite personalities. I am more of a homebody than a partier, but certain times, I still like to get a little crazy and pretend I'm back in my college hay days. As these lifestyles take shape, I have found it can alienate certain friends or give way to realizations about relationships. I found that many of my college friends, weren't friends. They were party buddies. This had caused a certain amount of precariousness as I try to form new relationships...I can't form a friendship with someone who spends every single day of every single weekend at a bar-or can I? Is that being too judgmental?

I have also found that my boyfriend is not, at all, a partier or a drinker despite our mutual late nights in college, which poses a difference of opinion when I do want to go out and let my hair down. Basic scenario: he gets annoyed when come home with a bit too much to drink ('bit' being a bit of an understatement) and then I get annoyed that a.) he cares if I've been drinking and b.) he won't let loose in the same manner anymore. Remember I said I was lucky to have had a relationship flourish since college? Don't take that lightly or wholeheartedly- while we have flourished, it has not been without some major clashes, readjustments and a constant re-balancing act of roles, responses, and functions within our relationship. It's been a long journey in the (less than) 2 short years since we graduated college but in the end it's been a good one-however, one greatly affected by the overwhelming transience in our life since then.

Sometimes I think, 'stop making this such a big deal-just embrace the transience.' I am, in fact, working towards that. Sometimes it works. Some days I feel so excited about being so young and having so many opportunities and paths to chose from and the vastness of potential for my future. However, on the other hand, as someone who has never done well with change, asking to embrace this ambiguity is asking a lot. So I struggle. Everyday. But everyday I also remember to enjoy today. That someday I will look back and wish for these days again where possibilities were endless.