Today I have I have no motivation. I feel like being lazy and laying around with the TV on or maybe a good book. My little doggie would undoubtedly curl up next to me and I would nap the day away. It's times like this, I feel the reality of being an adult. It is a Tuesday at 10:26am. I am at work. For six and a half more hours. And when I get home there will dinner to be made, a dog to be fed, laundry to be done. And then repeat. Until Friday. Blah, blah, blah.
The reality of life sets in on days like this where the days of freedom and carelessness are gone, replaced with responsibility. At times this can be nice-I'll take being paid for my 2 weeks off at the Holidays thank you very much, whereas as a college student I scrounged for temporary part time work until school resumed. However, life is so structured as an adult, and while structure can be comforting (especially for a Type A personality like myself) there are days I long for the freedom and spontaneity that I had on a college schedule. Sometimes, like today, things seem so controlled and monotonous with no end in sight. I suppose this is related to what they call 'burn out' or the reason that the character in the movie Office Space went bat-shit crazy on the printer. Totally get that now.
No wonder half the population in America is on mood stabilizers- we can get so bogged down with the redundancy of the work week and the oppression of the workplace hierarchy, drama and expectations. Luckily we accrue vacation and sick time, but Americans are notorious for not taking their alloted time and I see that first hand from my own experience. Yuck.
I know I shouldn't be complaining. The job market sucks, for lack of a better word and I am extremely fortunate to be in a position where I can work full time and support myself. All of us who are employed are inherently lucky for being able to sustain our lifestyles, regardless of how moderate and be able to actively take part in society. I have several friends who have been laid off or recently graduated and are struggling to find jobs and the mental impact unemployment can be worse that the negative bank balance.
However, I think we are all allowed some grumbling from time-to-time. In all of us, though not always recognized, there is a small childish part of our hearts that wants to give up the9-5 routine and runaway to Costa Rica, spending our days rocking in a hammock or simply not having the burden of calling work and telling them 'mmm it's raining today and I much rather stay in my PJ's and eat ice cream today, Kthanksbye.' In the end, like EVERYTHING these days, it's a balancing act of acceptance of life as it is with making time for the mind and soul. One of these days I'll get it right...
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
Adult Steps
While baby steps happen every day, every now and again something big happens and it can scare me just as much as the baby steps.
Recently, my biggest step was buying my first house. It was strange to me, because, this was a dream I had had since I was in high school. I attribute my eagerness and preoccupation with home owning to my part-time job at Home Depot during high school, but really I also think I am, what my mother calls, a 'nester' at heart. So while others at 18 looked forward to 21 as a legal drinking age, I looked forward to turning 21 as a time that I would be out of college and holding down a 'real job,' able to buy a home.
Of course things didn't work out as smoothly as expected- this 'real job' isn't so lucrative and undergraduate degrees require more these days, not to mention the house-buying-process nightmare that HGTV and TLC seem to mask so seamlessly. Regardless, I was able to be frugal enough all throughout my years to stash away money knowing this dream was in the back of my mind and when the economy took a downturn and the 1st-time home buyers tax credit came out, it seemed like my prayers had been answered.
After more than a year of looking, offering, bartering and walking in and out of housing deals we finally found the home perfect for our current situation. I should have been ecstatic right? Not so much. All of a sudden a huge panic began to set in. What happens if we lose our jobs? What if after we close we find out something terribly wrong? I'm so far from my family(30minutes HA!)-will this have a negative impact on our relationships? Am I ready for this responsibility? As luck would have it, I actually ended up having a huge meltdown the day after we moved in and sat on the couch screaming 'take it back, I don't want this, I want to go home!' God bless my boyfriend for being so patient.
In the end I realized that it wasn't that I didn't like the house, didn't want the house or didn't have the ability to accept the responsibility-the simple fact that this brought me so much closer to being an adult freaked me out completely. It was like all of a sudden I was in those adult shoes but my mind was not ready to accept that I was an adult and so I had an "I-want-my-mommy" moment (who would have thought I would still have those at 23?) . Big steps can hit those of us living dans le flou like a ton of bricks, sometimes even when we really want something. It could be a job that requires moving, your first large adult purchase, a new step in a relationship...anything that forces us faster into the adult world and leaves us wondering how we got from there (childhood) to here (adulthood). I have found the best thing I can do it try to be more 'present.' Cheesy? Totally. But remembering to hold on to each day, live in the moment and consciously see what I can learn from each day can lessen the shock. At least I hope it does...I hope the next 'Big Step'
Recently, my biggest step was buying my first house. It was strange to me, because, this was a dream I had had since I was in high school. I attribute my eagerness and preoccupation with home owning to my part-time job at Home Depot during high school, but really I also think I am, what my mother calls, a 'nester' at heart. So while others at 18 looked forward to 21 as a legal drinking age, I looked forward to turning 21 as a time that I would be out of college and holding down a 'real job,' able to buy a home.
Of course things didn't work out as smoothly as expected- this 'real job' isn't so lucrative and undergraduate degrees require more these days, not to mention the house-buying-process nightmare that HGTV and TLC seem to mask so seamlessly. Regardless, I was able to be frugal enough all throughout my years to stash away money knowing this dream was in the back of my mind and when the economy took a downturn and the 1st-time home buyers tax credit came out, it seemed like my prayers had been answered.
After more than a year of looking, offering, bartering and walking in and out of housing deals we finally found the home perfect for our current situation. I should have been ecstatic right? Not so much. All of a sudden a huge panic began to set in. What happens if we lose our jobs? What if after we close we find out something terribly wrong? I'm so far from my family(30minutes HA!)-will this have a negative impact on our relationships? Am I ready for this responsibility? As luck would have it, I actually ended up having a huge meltdown the day after we moved in and sat on the couch screaming 'take it back, I don't want this, I want to go home!' God bless my boyfriend for being so patient.
In the end I realized that it wasn't that I didn't like the house, didn't want the house or didn't have the ability to accept the responsibility-the simple fact that this brought me so much closer to being an adult freaked me out completely. It was like all of a sudden I was in those adult shoes but my mind was not ready to accept that I was an adult and so I had an "I-want-my-mommy" moment (who would have thought I would still have those at 23?) . Big steps can hit those of us living dans le flou like a ton of bricks, sometimes even when we really want something. It could be a job that requires moving, your first large adult purchase, a new step in a relationship...anything that forces us faster into the adult world and leaves us wondering how we got from there (childhood) to here (adulthood). I have found the best thing I can do it try to be more 'present.' Cheesy? Totally. But remembering to hold on to each day, live in the moment and consciously see what I can learn from each day can lessen the shock. At least I hope it does...I hope the next 'Big Step'
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Baby Steps
Baby Steps. At this age it seems we take baby steps every day toward becoming who we are and who we want to be. We act responsibly, getting up for work every day, taking care of ourselves, maybe stashing some money away or networking with someone. They seem insignificant but they are small acts that are pulling us away from our former no-cares-college-student that we used to be. Suddenly, we look look back and and then take a look around and we have become a new person- an adult. Or at least the shadow or outline of an adult. Our emotions, maturity, thought process, not to mention our weekend activities...not always so adult. But on the outside we mirror someone new. Dressed in suits, grocery shopping, on the same roads in the same traffic as our parents for our morning commutes. It can be somewhat frightening when you begin to see yourself in such a light.
It can be even more frightening when you see yourself and realize you are living a life you don't want to live. This conflict happens to a lot of people at this age that I know. After a year or two of working in the 'real world' they get bored, get sick of the entry level pay and begin to miss the carelessness and coolness of college. Often a lot of us are working hard but in positions we really don't like or want to be in. As we try to climb the ladder a lot of us get frustrated, bored, or frightened of what we are turning into. Somehow, however, we have to find a place for those emotions and keep on, keepin' on. Or quit everything and decide to backpack through Europe. Either way, the journey to finding ourselves in this new adult world is long and tough and doesn't happen as overnight as we wish, hope, or are told it does by the media and our elders.
It can be even more frightening when you see yourself and realize you are living a life you don't want to live. This conflict happens to a lot of people at this age that I know. After a year or two of working in the 'real world' they get bored, get sick of the entry level pay and begin to miss the carelessness and coolness of college. Often a lot of us are working hard but in positions we really don't like or want to be in. As we try to climb the ladder a lot of us get frustrated, bored, or frightened of what we are turning into. Somehow, however, we have to find a place for those emotions and keep on, keepin' on. Or quit everything and decide to backpack through Europe. Either way, the journey to finding ourselves in this new adult world is long and tough and doesn't happen as overnight as we wish, hope, or are told it does by the media and our elders.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Truth
Truth. The truth is, that I should have started this blog a year ago. A year ago, my life was far more 'dans le flou' than it is now. A year ago, I was 6 months out of undergraduate graduation, just acclimating to life in the workforce/graduate school and in a new apartment-our first 'real' home. I had no idea if I had chosen the right graduate school path. I had no idea if I should be looking for a better job, one that was more mentally stimulating and more related to my graduate school major (somehow experience in a business office didn't seem to connect with my psychology B.S. and School Counseling masters). Everything was constantly changing and thoughts were spinning.
Since then, I have settled. A little. With time, a lot of internal energy (and some outside consultation sometimes known as a therapist) I have come to a place where I can look at my life where it is and be satisfied with today. For once, and not always, but mostly I am enjoying the fact that at 23, I have my entire life before me, spread out like a buffet with lot's of options, choices and varieties of life to chose from. I try my hardest to see this as a blessing rather than be consumed by the ambiguity of my life and future. I try to realize that someday, I will be one of the people around me who are constantly gasping at my age with jealousy and conveying their utter most desires to go back to their younger years. Sometimes, this doesn't work. I get wrapped up in how much easier my life will be when I have an established career and have a savings account that reflects more than a mere year's worth of full time work, not to mention not having a full load of graduate school on my plate in addition to working full time. However, I suppose this constant yearn for more is natural and the swing between loving life and wishing for more, really is, what dans le flou is all about.
Since then, I have settled. A little. With time, a lot of internal energy (and some outside consultation sometimes known as a therapist) I have come to a place where I can look at my life where it is and be satisfied with today. For once, and not always, but mostly I am enjoying the fact that at 23, I have my entire life before me, spread out like a buffet with lot's of options, choices and varieties of life to chose from. I try my hardest to see this as a blessing rather than be consumed by the ambiguity of my life and future. I try to realize that someday, I will be one of the people around me who are constantly gasping at my age with jealousy and conveying their utter most desires to go back to their younger years. Sometimes, this doesn't work. I get wrapped up in how much easier my life will be when I have an established career and have a savings account that reflects more than a mere year's worth of full time work, not to mention not having a full load of graduate school on my plate in addition to working full time. However, I suppose this constant yearn for more is natural and the swing between loving life and wishing for more, really is, what dans le flou is all about.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Transient
Transient. Everything today is transient. The only things constant is change. At 23, people are transient, jobs are transient, moods, friendships, relationships, even clothes and lifestyles.
Unfortunetely, the transience moves at such a different pace for each one of us that it is hard for relationships to be sustaining and emotions to stay stable.
As some of us are finishing our degrees(undergrad and grad), I find many of my friends talking about moving across the country. This idea of moving strains relationships and brings up a lot of hard questions. If I move-what will happen to my relationships? Will I still be friends with my friends if I move? What happens if my partner moves...do I move with them? Do I give up everything I have in my life to move with them? Or do we go our separate ways?
Even without physically moving, once college ends and post-graduate life begins, relationships change. Relationships with friends wax or wane, relationships with parents change as we are closer or their adult world, romantic relationships fizzle or flourish. As these relationships change, I have had a difficult time adjusting and figuring out a new balancing act.
Luckily, I have a great romantic relationship that has only flourished since college ended, but I see many others around me who are not so lucky. Personal opinions and deep felt emotions about the degree of commitment desired are so different that it can create a strong divide among people that would be otherwise compatible.
As college ends and this dans le flou stage begins, life expectations and lifestyles are also a broad spectrum that can range from those who live a party-hardy lifesyle to those who are looking to settle down. For me, it has been a difficult to find where I fit. I attributed this to being a Gemini- a person with twins of opposite personalities. I am more of a homebody than a partier, but certain times, I still like to get a little crazy and pretend I'm back in my college hay days. As these lifestyles take shape, I have found it can alienate certain friends or give way to realizations about relationships. I found that many of my college friends, weren't friends. They were party buddies. This had caused a certain amount of precariousness as I try to form new relationships...I can't form a friendship with someone who spends every single day of every single weekend at a bar-or can I? Is that being too judgmental?
I have also found that my boyfriend is not, at all, a partier or a drinker despite our mutual late nights in college, which poses a difference of opinion when I do want to go out and let my hair down. Basic scenario: he gets annoyed when come home with a bit too much to drink ('bit' being a bit of an understatement) and then I get annoyed that a.) he cares if I've been drinking and b.) he won't let loose in the same manner anymore. Remember I said I was lucky to have had a relationship flourish since college? Don't take that lightly or wholeheartedly- while we have flourished, it has not been without some major clashes, readjustments and a constant re-balancing act of roles, responses, and functions within our relationship. It's been a long journey in the (less than) 2 short years since we graduated college but in the end it's been a good one-however, one greatly affected by the overwhelming transience in our life since then.
Sometimes I think, 'stop making this such a big deal-just embrace the transience.' I am, in fact, working towards that. Sometimes it works. Some days I feel so excited about being so young and having so many opportunities and paths to chose from and the vastness of potential for my future. However, on the other hand, as someone who has never done well with change, asking to embrace this ambiguity is asking a lot. So I struggle. Everyday. But everyday I also remember to enjoy today. That someday I will look back and wish for these days again where possibilities were endless.
Unfortunetely, the transience moves at such a different pace for each one of us that it is hard for relationships to be sustaining and emotions to stay stable.
As some of us are finishing our degrees(undergrad and grad), I find many of my friends talking about moving across the country. This idea of moving strains relationships and brings up a lot of hard questions. If I move-what will happen to my relationships? Will I still be friends with my friends if I move? What happens if my partner moves...do I move with them? Do I give up everything I have in my life to move with them? Or do we go our separate ways?
Even without physically moving, once college ends and post-graduate life begins, relationships change. Relationships with friends wax or wane, relationships with parents change as we are closer or their adult world, romantic relationships fizzle or flourish. As these relationships change, I have had a difficult time adjusting and figuring out a new balancing act.
Luckily, I have a great romantic relationship that has only flourished since college ended, but I see many others around me who are not so lucky. Personal opinions and deep felt emotions about the degree of commitment desired are so different that it can create a strong divide among people that would be otherwise compatible.
As college ends and this dans le flou stage begins, life expectations and lifestyles are also a broad spectrum that can range from those who live a party-hardy lifesyle to those who are looking to settle down. For me, it has been a difficult to find where I fit. I attributed this to being a Gemini- a person with twins of opposite personalities. I am more of a homebody than a partier, but certain times, I still like to get a little crazy and pretend I'm back in my college hay days. As these lifestyles take shape, I have found it can alienate certain friends or give way to realizations about relationships. I found that many of my college friends, weren't friends. They were party buddies. This had caused a certain amount of precariousness as I try to form new relationships...I can't form a friendship with someone who spends every single day of every single weekend at a bar-or can I? Is that being too judgmental?
I have also found that my boyfriend is not, at all, a partier or a drinker despite our mutual late nights in college, which poses a difference of opinion when I do want to go out and let my hair down. Basic scenario: he gets annoyed when come home with a bit too much to drink ('bit' being a bit of an understatement) and then I get annoyed that a.) he cares if I've been drinking and b.) he won't let loose in the same manner anymore. Remember I said I was lucky to have had a relationship flourish since college? Don't take that lightly or wholeheartedly- while we have flourished, it has not been without some major clashes, readjustments and a constant re-balancing act of roles, responses, and functions within our relationship. It's been a long journey in the (less than) 2 short years since we graduated college but in the end it's been a good one-however, one greatly affected by the overwhelming transience in our life since then.
Sometimes I think, 'stop making this such a big deal-just embrace the transience.' I am, in fact, working towards that. Sometimes it works. Some days I feel so excited about being so young and having so many opportunities and paths to chose from and the vastness of potential for my future. However, on the other hand, as someone who has never done well with change, asking to embrace this ambiguity is asking a lot. So I struggle. Everyday. But everyday I also remember to enjoy today. That someday I will look back and wish for these days again where possibilities were endless.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
"Dans le Flou"
Hello world. Or not. I'm not really sure how or what to do here or who will ever actually read this, but as a 23-year old young professional in the new decade, it is my New Years resolution for 2010 to blog for one year about my life 'dans le flou.' In French, dans le flou means between two stages, at at twenty three, that pretty much sums up where I feel I am in my life. The life of the proverbial college student is over, despite continuation to graduate school, and unfortunately, my graduate work, or lack there of, has me waiting for the professional job of my choosing until my degree is complete while I mindlessly work at a entry level position to get me through graduate school.
In other words, I'm in limbo- not yet an adult, but certainly no longer a child or adolescent. And I feel this must be a similar feeling for, not all, but some hard working and driven early-to-mid twenty something's like myself. Sometimes it seems like this this is the time in life that is a black hole of nothingness- nothing exciting about daily life, nothing immediate to look forward to, and everyone you know if moving in a million different directions at a million different speeds.
After moving at warp speed through the lazy days and exciting nights of undergraduate college and all the hype of graduation, life now at the immediate post-graduate years can tend to seem overwhelming, or empty, and we are left with the thought 'now what?' Some of us are lucky and find great jobs soon after graduation. Others marry their high school or college sweethearts and start their families, but I would wager that on the whole (being completely biased of course) there are people like me or those I know from experience, who are continuing their education for any prospect of a professional job, working at a monotonous entry level positions, and moving home while everyone around us seemingly moves on with life.
It's a a time where life is a double-edged sword- the world is a buffet with everything theoretically for the taking, yet we don't always know what we want, what to look for or what to expect. There are handbooks, articles, and what can seem like a never-ending parade of familial advice on how to deal with high school, college, weddings, parenting, but sometimes it feels like there is a huge void of conversation about this time- the in between - life when you are living in an adult world without feeling like you fit there, without feeling like you really are an adult.
At least, this is my life. Right for the last year and a half until now. I may seem to make assumptions or large, sweeping statements, but at the end of the day, this is only my experience, but I hope that if nothing else, it gives someone (maybe even just myself) a perspective on life dans le flou, between two stages.
In other words, I'm in limbo- not yet an adult, but certainly no longer a child or adolescent. And I feel this must be a similar feeling for, not all, but some hard working and driven early-to-mid twenty something's like myself. Sometimes it seems like this this is the time in life that is a black hole of nothingness- nothing exciting about daily life, nothing immediate to look forward to, and everyone you know if moving in a million different directions at a million different speeds.
After moving at warp speed through the lazy days and exciting nights of undergraduate college and all the hype of graduation, life now at the immediate post-graduate years can tend to seem overwhelming, or empty, and we are left with the thought 'now what?' Some of us are lucky and find great jobs soon after graduation. Others marry their high school or college sweethearts and start their families, but I would wager that on the whole (being completely biased of course) there are people like me or those I know from experience, who are continuing their education for any prospect of a professional job, working at a monotonous entry level positions, and moving home while everyone around us seemingly moves on with life.
It's a a time where life is a double-edged sword- the world is a buffet with everything theoretically for the taking, yet we don't always know what we want, what to look for or what to expect. There are handbooks, articles, and what can seem like a never-ending parade of familial advice on how to deal with high school, college, weddings, parenting, but sometimes it feels like there is a huge void of conversation about this time- the in between - life when you are living in an adult world without feeling like you fit there, without feeling like you really are an adult.
At least, this is my life. Right for the last year and a half until now. I may seem to make assumptions or large, sweeping statements, but at the end of the day, this is only my experience, but I hope that if nothing else, it gives someone (maybe even just myself) a perspective on life dans le flou, between two stages.
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